don't you know by now {you can't turn back}

Facebook wants me to friend my best friend from high school.

You would not think this would be a hard decision.

It's just been so long and so much shit has happened (not between us, but individually) and the fact that we're not close anymore hurts so much, and it just feels like being friends on Facebook is such a worthless thing (especially because I know she won't really use it) that I don't want to even bother. I mean, if it's causing me this much grief just from a recommendation on the sidebar, what's it going to be like if I have to see what her life is like now, without me? I was supposed to be like her, happy and doing brilliantly at a top-tier school and with a bright future ahead, and . . . I'm not any of those things.

Our relationship was sort of bad for me at times, because rather than want to compete against her, I'd pull back in classes we shared so I didn't have to deal with the pressure. And I pretty much only had her, while she had some other friends, so I was much more dependent and sort of jealous a lot (but this is usually the case). But at the same time, she made me want to do better. Her opinion of me mattered like no other peer has ever mattered to me before, and I wanted her to be proud of me.

My memories of high school consist of mock trial, orchestra, my ~issues, and Katie. All of them fit into one of those categories. The problem is that senior year, most of them fit into category three, so when I went off to college, I was really distant from everybody. And then I started gaining weight and that was just sort of a symbol of how everything else was falling apart, and I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want to talk to her (or anyone else) because I was afraid they'd want to hang out, and I'd have to make up an excuse because I wanted their memories of me to be how I was near graduation: together, decent grades, a job, and skinny. Which means I hardly want anyone to see me now, when I've pretty much hit rock bottom on all of those things.

Also, there may or may not have been sort of an unrequited love thing going on. I didn't really realize it until years after we'd last seen each other, but I think I spent way too much time angsting over this girl for us to just have been friends, at least on my side of it. I mean, I wasn't sexually attracted to her, but it's definitely the most intense relationship I've ever had. I remember at one point discussing how I'd been planning on us moving in together during college and after, and talking about what we should name our dogs, and she was like "well, I always sort of assumed I'd get married after college" and I didn't speak to her the rest of the day because I was heartbroken. I mean, hello, giant flashing YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER sign right there. But, I mean, it wasn't love as most people would define it, I guess? It was just friendship that was . . . stronger. The if-you-are-blind-and-don't-see-the-subtext Xena/Gabrielle sort of relationship, you know? We actually compared ourselves to House and Wilson more than a few times -- I like diagnostics and puzzles and have the more blatant issues, she's better with people and everyone likes her and she was interested at one point in oncology. To be super melodramatic, I felt like she was the other half of my One Great True Pairing, the really forever BFFs, and now I've lost that, and . . . I mean, I feel like there's only one person in the world for you like that, and when that ends, what kind of hope do you have from there?

Idk. I'm not over her yet, apparently.

Despite not having eaten yet today, I'm going to go to bed now, I think. This is too much and now I'm super angsty and I want her to be my friend again but I just don't see how it could ever work out the way I want it to (I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of gal when it comes to my heart). I know that I would still die for her in an instant, and I don't want to have to think about the fact that she probably wouldn't do the same. THIS IS WHY WE DON'T NORMALLY DO THIS SOCIAL ATTACHMENT THING, SELF. YOU JUST SIT YOUR LITTLE SCHIZOID PERSONALITY OVER IN THE CORNER AND KNIT, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY.

So. Evidently somebody got all hacktastic on LJ recently. I've only heard about it, not seen anything (save the posts worrying about it on xfiles), but I figure I was planning to change my password anyway to something not so ridiculously easy--when they made it that you had to have numbers in your password, my good password got scrapped into something I could remember easily, but it's now also the same as a bunch of other things, which is badbadbad--so I figure might as well do it now.

I crashed the orchestra banquet yesterday (well, not so much crashed as was invited and came, but still, I was afraid it would be weird because I wasn't in orchestra this year). Caught myself looking around more than was quite necessary to see where Michelle was/if she was there yet/what she was doing, but I spent most of my time hanging out, which was nice.

And there were the best freaking brownies there. Seriously. We named them the orgasm brownies. Because they were like an orgasm in your mouth, trufax. But then we shortened them to the ORG brownies, because Alyssa's little brother was hanging around. And then when he asked what that stood for, his mum (who totally knew what we meant by it and laughed and tasted them and agreed) told him it meant Oh Really Good. So they're the orgasm/ORG/Oh Really Good brownies. I seriously want the recipe, but though a couple of people guessed, nobody knew who actually brought them for sure.

And then we played on the playground. That stuff is a lot bigger when you're young. I want to make an adult-sized playground because it made me sad that I couldn't really climb up this cool/odd climbing thing because it only took me two steps. And that I couldn't do the monkeybars because my feet hit the ground.

But the swings were fun, though they were prolly the shortest swings I've ever seen. Less than knee height. You had to either keep your legs straight out (save maybe a second of pumping them back at the pinnacle of the backswing) or sort of split them out sideways at the knees when you passed over the ground or your feet would drag. And I was wearing my sexyboots, so it was worse, because that was an added 4 inches. I tried to take them off mid-swing, which ended up being a bad idea. I sort of locked one leg straight out and propped the other across it at the knee and got the one off, but I was so surprised that I actually managed it and/or distracted because the couple of my mates that were on the swings with me were talking that I forgot about the having to move the legs funny thing right as I was ready to toss it off to the side and as I came back, my left foot (the one still with the boot) planted straight onto the ground and I flew backwards. Not fun. My butt was totally off the swing, I was hanging backwards by my knees (and I was going a decent speed/height, so I'm trying to recover at a rather high velocity), and I had caught the chain on my left arm--there's a rather satisfying bruise there now (though it's nowhere near as bad as it feels) that, if you squint, resembles a section of chain--so I slowed the swing down to a sufficient dismounting velocity and just fell down laughing. Because I nearly fell off a swing. Which is really funny, if you think about it. (Though painful.)

I think LJ's being a whore to me. There's another tag that's not mine, and I could have sworn that I already had an orchestra tag, but it appears that I don't. Oddness.

No school tomorrow/today/whatever, which is nice (and why I'm still awake and not moaning about how I should be asleep/working/whatever). Going over to the house of a girl in my theatre class for our latke party. Because potatoygoodness is love. Not sure how I'm going to get there/where it is, though. I thought she was going to call, but perhaps not. Must investigate.

And I want to switch out my icons. I've played with a couple recently, but I really want a Battlestar Galactica one next, as I've not had one of those yet. The picture I really want, though, is like a bazillion pixels by a million, so it looks horrible when I shrink it to icon size. I'm going to have to try to find a smaller version.