![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
So. Elementary Orchestra concert on Thursday.
I let myself get roped into doing things again just to see her, just to make her happy with me.
Spent the entire morning running around with 160 nine and ten year-olds for the 4th grade rehersal, all fooling around with highly breakable and cheap (in quality, not price) instruments. Took five groups of 7 or 8 girls each on bathroom trips, of course, they couldn't all go at once. Set up the entire stage, scrounged up 160 chairs and 80 stands, arranged them, taped the nametags on them, and directed them as they came in the door. And that was the easy part. 3 hours later, the bus for 2 of the schools hadn't shown up. They did come, 40 minutes later. We had to play Simon Says. And do the Duck Dance. (Which, oddly, I call the funky chicken dance. Dunno why.) If anyone happens to pull the security camera footage for that day, it'll be quite amusing.
Went to lunch. I missed all of my morning classes for it, had only two left.
I had to stay after school to make up a Chemistry test, so I didn't get home till 5ish. I got off the bus, walked into the house, put down my bag, and my mum's like "Get in the car, we're going to dinner." So I went to CiCi's (really cheap pizza [cheap like price, not cheap like bad]) and we went straight from there to the concert.
I tuned probably 20 fourth graders. Some of them quite a few times. And remember how bad the instruments were? That leads to it taking a lot more work per instrument. Lined them up, gave one my bow, led them backstage while they waited to go on. Turns out there were so many parents, the auditorium was completely full and the superindentant had to kick people into the lobby. Some kid came up to me and goes "Is this right, it sounds off" and plucks her string. Way off. Somebody who was tuning (and I'm almost positive who it was) tuned everybody wrong. Like way wrong. Like C-string tuned to an E wrong. So the kids are filing on stage, and I'm grabbing every instrument I can and just strumming the strings once across as they go by. Fixing the bad ones. That's around 20 kids I tuned. Then, the Fiddlers were going to play, and I asked her (*the* her, you know whom I'm talking about) what they were going to play, and she listed, and I'm like "I know all of these" and she's like "Grab your viola". So I ran back to the Orch. room, unpacked, tuned, ran backstage, realized I wouldn't be able to get on the stage without anyone noticing, ran around to the side of the auditorium (where the kids were spread in the aisles), opened the door and got there in time for the second song. The first one was my favorite, though. But I remembered all of them (except the one that I never actually learned), the solos and everything. I was so proud, I was the first viola to do any of the high Fiddlers solos, and now there are violas and cellos doing them. So I was playing, doing the fast tricky variation on Old Joe Clark, and she looks at me from the stage and beams. I grinned my face off.
After that, I ran back to the orchestra room and proceeded to tune all of the 5th graders, something like 80 of them. And organized them. And then ran backstage (lotta running. I think I got more excercise that day...) to ask her if she still wanted me to take the non-honors orchestra ones to watch the strollers, since the auditorium was full. But before that, I got nabbed by my mum, who's like "We're leaving" and I'm all "I'm running this freaking concert, I can't leave" and she's all "well, we're leaving, and nobody's coming back to get you". So when I ran backstage, she told me that she still wants them to watch the stollers, but I told her I had to go, but that I was going to tell Allison. So I gave Allison (the girl who I was working with the whole time. The one who couldn't tune) the instructions, leave after the first EHO song, that kinda thing. Then I left.
But the part I left out for suspenseful purposes and to show you exactly how fuhcking deranged I am and how she gets me to do this year after year happened after she told me to bring in the 5th graders. I told her I had to leave and she does this little beckon thingie with her finger and brings me back a little from the curtains so they couldn't hear on the stage (which, if I stopped right there, could sound extremely erotic, and I wish that's what happened, but you want the truth.) and says "I was watching you out there." (meaning when I played with the fiddlers. Again, could leave it here. But I won't.)
She continued: "You were so happy. You looked like you were having so much fun out there." (and I'm totally crying as I type this.)
And I looked up at her with this little half-sad smile and said
'I loved it and I love you and the rehersals and the concerts and the conversations, they were the best times of my life and you were the first person I ever had feelings for and you taught me so much beyond playing so much about who I am and not to be afraid of life and how to love myself and how not to be ashamed of who I am and it's a joke among my friends my stupid crush on you and every time I think I've thrown it you say something or do something or just show up and I'm head over my fucking heels in love with you again.'
"I was."
And she hugged me. And that, my friends, is how she manipulates me. It's subtle, I doubt she knows she does it. But I'd jump off of a bridge if she asked, and she knows that. She doesn't know why, but I do. I noticed Thursday right before she walked in the door that I was kinda dressed up, all in a nice shirt and actually wearing makeup. (And I'm rather butch. I wear makeup once in maybe two months.) I didn't even realize I was doing it, it's so almost subconsious, the desire to appear nice to her. That's why I do all this.
Like I've always said, a psychiatrist ( a competent one, not the quack I used to go to) would have a field day with me.
And as a completely unrelated subscript, I'm late. Thing is, not like I can mention it to my mother, she'd be all "Are you having sex" and I'd be like "No." And she'd be all like "I'm getting you tested" (because I have gained a lot of weight lately) and in order to tell her not to waste her money, I'd pretty much have to out myself.
I let myself get roped into doing things again just to see her, just to make her happy with me.
Spent the entire morning running around with 160 nine and ten year-olds for the 4th grade rehersal, all fooling around with highly breakable and cheap (in quality, not price) instruments. Took five groups of 7 or 8 girls each on bathroom trips, of course, they couldn't all go at once. Set up the entire stage, scrounged up 160 chairs and 80 stands, arranged them, taped the nametags on them, and directed them as they came in the door. And that was the easy part. 3 hours later, the bus for 2 of the schools hadn't shown up. They did come, 40 minutes later. We had to play Simon Says. And do the Duck Dance. (Which, oddly, I call the funky chicken dance. Dunno why.) If anyone happens to pull the security camera footage for that day, it'll be quite amusing.
Went to lunch. I missed all of my morning classes for it, had only two left.
I had to stay after school to make up a Chemistry test, so I didn't get home till 5ish. I got off the bus, walked into the house, put down my bag, and my mum's like "Get in the car, we're going to dinner." So I went to CiCi's (really cheap pizza [cheap like price, not cheap like bad]) and we went straight from there to the concert.
I tuned probably 20 fourth graders. Some of them quite a few times. And remember how bad the instruments were? That leads to it taking a lot more work per instrument. Lined them up, gave one my bow, led them backstage while they waited to go on. Turns out there were so many parents, the auditorium was completely full and the superindentant had to kick people into the lobby. Some kid came up to me and goes "Is this right, it sounds off" and plucks her string. Way off. Somebody who was tuning (and I'm almost positive who it was) tuned everybody wrong. Like way wrong. Like C-string tuned to an E wrong. So the kids are filing on stage, and I'm grabbing every instrument I can and just strumming the strings once across as they go by. Fixing the bad ones. That's around 20 kids I tuned. Then, the Fiddlers were going to play, and I asked her (*the* her, you know whom I'm talking about) what they were going to play, and she listed, and I'm like "I know all of these" and she's like "Grab your viola". So I ran back to the Orch. room, unpacked, tuned, ran backstage, realized I wouldn't be able to get on the stage without anyone noticing, ran around to the side of the auditorium (where the kids were spread in the aisles), opened the door and got there in time for the second song. The first one was my favorite, though. But I remembered all of them (except the one that I never actually learned), the solos and everything. I was so proud, I was the first viola to do any of the high Fiddlers solos, and now there are violas and cellos doing them. So I was playing, doing the fast tricky variation on Old Joe Clark, and she looks at me from the stage and beams. I grinned my face off.
After that, I ran back to the orchestra room and proceeded to tune all of the 5th graders, something like 80 of them. And organized them. And then ran backstage (lotta running. I think I got more excercise that day...) to ask her if she still wanted me to take the non-honors orchestra ones to watch the strollers, since the auditorium was full. But before that, I got nabbed by my mum, who's like "We're leaving" and I'm all "I'm running this freaking concert, I can't leave" and she's all "well, we're leaving, and nobody's coming back to get you". So when I ran backstage, she told me that she still wants them to watch the stollers, but I told her I had to go, but that I was going to tell Allison. So I gave Allison (the girl who I was working with the whole time. The one who couldn't tune) the instructions, leave after the first EHO song, that kinda thing. Then I left.
But the part I left out for suspenseful purposes and to show you exactly how fuhcking deranged I am and how she gets me to do this year after year happened after she told me to bring in the 5th graders. I told her I had to leave and she does this little beckon thingie with her finger and brings me back a little from the curtains so they couldn't hear on the stage (which, if I stopped right there, could sound extremely erotic, and I wish that's what happened, but you want the truth.) and says "I was watching you out there." (meaning when I played with the fiddlers. Again, could leave it here. But I won't.)
She continued: "You were so happy. You looked like you were having so much fun out there." (and I'm totally crying as I type this.)
And I looked up at her with this little half-sad smile and said
'I loved it and I love you and the rehersals and the concerts and the conversations, they were the best times of my life and you were the first person I ever had feelings for and you taught me so much beyond playing so much about who I am and not to be afraid of life and how to love myself and how not to be ashamed of who I am and it's a joke among my friends my stupid crush on you and every time I think I've thrown it you say something or do something or just show up and I'm head over my fucking heels in love with you again.'
"I was."
And she hugged me. And that, my friends, is how she manipulates me. It's subtle, I doubt she knows she does it. But I'd jump off of a bridge if she asked, and she knows that. She doesn't know why, but I do. I noticed Thursday right before she walked in the door that I was kinda dressed up, all in a nice shirt and actually wearing makeup. (And I'm rather butch. I wear makeup once in maybe two months.) I didn't even realize I was doing it, it's so almost subconsious, the desire to appear nice to her. That's why I do all this.
Like I've always said, a psychiatrist ( a competent one, not the quack I used to go to) would have a field day with me.
And as a completely unrelated subscript, I'm late. Thing is, not like I can mention it to my mother, she'd be all "Are you having sex" and I'd be like "No." And she'd be all like "I'm getting you tested" (because I have gained a lot of weight lately) and in order to tell her not to waste her money, I'd pretty much have to out myself.
